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I Hate This Place - A Poem


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I Hate This Place
By Erik Gray

I was looking for gold
Gold for my purse
I had become quite poor
It couldn’t get any worse!
A lot of junk I did have in my bank
I was far too poor, so poor that it stank
Where could I get more gold I could spend?

Perhaps I have another drawer to upend?

I looked through my items, I looked through my junk
I found plenty of garbage, refuse, and gunk!
“I could sell this,” I said when I held up a mace
“I don’t need this, it only wastes space!”
Space, oh space, what a waste of space this mace happens to be!
I am no macer, dexxer, nor a bard, can’t you see?
I am a vendor of splendor, dressed in fine clothes
I sell all sorts of garbage as everyone knows.

So all through my bank box, my home, my socks, and my tomes
I searched through literally everything I owned!
Candles and lanterns, flippers and zippers
Crates, plates, lanterns, and blippers!
There wasn’t anything I didn’t have to sell
If you needed core by the score you only need yell!
I had it all, I had it all to sell you see
There wasn’t anything I couldn’t sell, believe-you-me!

So I packed up my wares in a great big bundle
It was big, so big that I stumbled!
I added more items, items that stack
Then I threw that great big bundle up on my back!
O’ lo, o’ lo! Down the road I go!
To Prevalia, to Cambria, to Andaria I go!
To sell my junk, to sell my wares
To sell pretty much anything, if anyone cares!

I was walking along when I came to an alley
A place known as the roleplayer’s valley
A place full of vile malcontents, or so I am told
A place to not travel unless you are bold!
“I am brave, and surely the tales are tall,
Why, I doubt I will encounter anyone at all!”
I walked through the valley with my pack full of stuff
When suddenly a man appeared who looked really quite rough!

“Give me your gold, all the gold in your purse
Give me that gold and I won’t do any worse!”
The man waved his spear and threatened and cursed
That if I didn’t give my gold I’d be put in a hearse!
“But I have no gold” I told the rough man.
“To sell these items was always my plan!”
He looked at my bundle, and said with a frown
“I wanted gold, not a sack of junk headed to town.”

I was desperate, I was helpless, I wanted to plea
“Are there no items that you could want from me?
I have no gold, as you can clearly see
But I have plenty of items, believe-you-me!”
But as I plead my plea as plain as plain can be
Another figure did approach me!
T’was an orc, a savage orc, carrying a great big fork
A fork so scary I simply wanted to flee!

“Yog!” Said the orc with the fork to the rough man
The orc looked hungry enough to eat anything he can
He turned his hungry gaze upon me and said,
“Yog!” – the orc with the fork poked me and I bled
“Ow!” I said as I bled, “Surely there is something I can give
To stop you from poking me. Please let me live!”
The orc with the fork looked at the rough man with a shrug
He picked his nose and asked “Yub gut any knife from a Thrrug?”

Before I could answer, before I could stutter or veer
Before us a magical moongate did appear!
Swirling light of blue and white, oh what a sight, what a sight, what a sight!
My savior at hand, no doubt quite grand, would rid me of this blight
For what I needed right now was a virtuous knight!
A knight, a knight! That is what what I needed this night!
But I did think I counted my blessings too few
When a dark-grey skinned woman stepped through.

“I am a drow in the finest fashion, to part you from life is my life’s greatest passion!
I care not for your possessions, for I have compassion - It is only your life that has me empassioned!”
Her fingers crackled with magic as with my life she had toyed
With a big grin, she claimed: “and now I shall have your soul for the Void!”
“Etheng!” She cried, a strange entropic howl, a void-filled hateful growl
She flung her hands in the air with a nasty chaotic scowl
“But wait, but wait, but wait!” I cried with tears in my eyes!
She paused to listen, “can I interest you... in some supplies?”

“I have reagents and stew, hair dye of blue…
Are you sure there isn’t something of interest to you?
A cloak of fine silk? A pouch of dried loam? A pitcher of milk? A mighty-fine comb?
I have it all, you see, I’ve collected it all from wherever I roamed!”
“Yog!” said the orc with the fork to the drow of the Void
The rough man looked on and looked quite annoyed
This was taking too long, and he wanted some money
And he wanted the money while the day was still sunny.

“Enough of this!” The rough man said with a snap
“I want some gold, not this stupid crap!”
“Yog!” agreed the orc with the fork with the rough man
“Well,” said the drow, “I think I have quite the plan!”
She smiled, “you see, he has no gold and only some junk
So help yourselves to his clutter, futter, and gunk.
Once you are through, I can take his soul to the Void
It is a fate he can't really avoid!”

I was shaking in my boots, quaking in my sneakers
Couldn’t I convince them to take my alchemy beakers?
They wanted what I had not, and not what I had
Oh to not have traveled this road I'd be so glad!
Then all of a sudden, the unlikeliest of saviors
Appeared seemingly from nowhere and granted my favor
For a lone PK by the name of Sir Papi
Came to my aid and made me quite happy!

He attacked without mercy, he attacked with great cunning
Why, he sent those terrible roleplayers a-running!
Without hesitation and without any accord
I ran down the road with all haste I could afford!
But woe is me, woe is me! I had left my bundle, so you see?
I had dropped it when I fled with glee!
My bundle of sunders, goods, and plunders!
Oh what a big awful very no-good blunder!

I had made it to town, but had nothing to sell.
Oh, Oh, Oh what is this special kind of hell?
I shook my fists and to the sky I said:
“Fuck you Owyn, your server is dead!
Roleplayers robbed me and forced me to lose
All of my items that I wanted to schmooze!"
I yelled and screamed until I was blue in the face
“Fuck this server, I hate this place!”

I wanted to quit, I wanted to leave
I never wanted to play Outlands again, if you could believe
I had enough of this server, this terrible crap
What I really needed was a good, long, very-nice nap.
When I came to, everything became clear
Losing everything I had is what makes UO so dear
In this new light, it isn’t so bad
I am not so angry, I am not so mad.

But I had nothing to my name, I lost everything too.

What ever was I supposed to do?
I needed more items! I needed more stuff!
How could I survive without all of this fluff?
So I opened my wallet, and to the donation site I went
Where many of my hard-earned pennies I’ve spent
For many a prev coin had I then bought
To help Owyn put fuel in his yacht.
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